Some Times Things Don't Work Out the Way We Hope

Its been a while since I've updated, so I thought I would post a little bit about what's going on with me. Part of it is just to get it out, and part of it is so hopefully I don't have to explain what's going on in person over and over because its kind of awkward and I feel a little bit like a failure right now.

Brian and I are separating, at least for the time being. I'm not going to go into the reasons why because I don't think it would be fair to Brian (you'd only be hearing my side). I will say, since it seems like people jump to this conclusion alot, its not because either of us have been unfaithful in any way. In fact, its not any one reason, but a combination of a few. But it was my choice and my initiative, and I feel like I should fee more sad about it than I do, but I'm honestly ok. In fact, once I was able to work up the courage to tell Brian, I felt really relieved. We've almost separated twice before, but both times we went through marriage counseling (for the same issues we're having now) and we stayed together. But I guess I realized this time around that the issues we've had from the start are still here and I don't think they're going to go away if we stay together right now. And maybe they won't ever go away, I don't know.. So I've been completely honest with Brian, and I think he's doing ok too. We still see eachother and talk every day. He still spends time with the girls every day, and will continue to. In fact, we're probably getting along better now than we have in years. We've both been living in our house, since neither of us had anywhere else to go, but this weekend I'll be moving to a new apartment with the girls. In some ways it will be really hard, but in other ways I'm really excited to start this new phase in my life.

In the meantime, we are also selling our house through a short-sale. Brian has been staying fairly busy with his business, but hasn't been making alot of money, so the payments have really, really been hurting us. I can't afford the payment on my own, and neither can he (and we're not really affording it together) so this seemed like the best option.

With all of this going on, I've had alot of mixed feelings. I'm sad about how this might affect our family and our daughters. I'm sad for hurting Brian, because I know I am and I do care about him. But I'm also relieved to finally be moving in a forward direction (both Brian and I), I'm relieved that he's been handling it so well and that we can still get along. But I also feel like a jerk for hurting him and my daughters, but I honestly wouldn't if I didn't think it wasn't for the best. I really, truly feel this is how things need to be right now- I've prayed about it and talked to my bishop about it, and I truly feel this is the right step to take right now. I don't know what the outcome will be yet, but I know either way we'll ultimately be ok.

Like I said at the beginning of the post, I kind of feel failure. No one wants to be a quitter or give up on their marriage. But I also feel like I've really tried and that I've held onto it for as long as I can, at least for the way it is right now. I think separations and divorces negatively affect children, but I also think growing up in homes where there are issues like the ones we are having between the parents will affect them in harmful ways as well. I'm really, truly trying to do what I feel is best, and I just hope and pray that I'm right.